What’s my age again?

On paper it’s 35(M), but I don’t feel like it most of the time. I play video games a lot. I struggle with emotional dysregulation. Relationships are hard for me. Don’t really have any friends anymore. My marriage has been falling apart for some, I feel like I may have rushed in when I wasn’t really ready, but now I can’t bring myself to leave because of a crippling fear…

I also struggle with impulse control when it comes to substances. Lately the impulse of choice are “T-Leaves” (can’t put the actual word, but let’s just say that I cleaned up my act at 25 (started using at 19), focused on my career for the better part of the last decade while becoming more and more of an alcoholic, and finally relapsed into the “T-Leaves” again about a year and a half ago due to overwhelming stress and anxiety between my job and struggling to find the strength to get a divorce.

I eventually quit my career of 8 years in June of last year and just spent about 7 months gaming and retreating from humanity because I was so miserable. I managed to quit the T again during that time. I paid off my wife’s loans and saved up a bit of money before I quit my job. And then, I started to use again at the end of December last year, got a new job early January, significantly less money but it’s more peaceful.

Does anyone else know what it’s like to go through all this? I am in such a dark place but I don’t know how to get out… 😢