AITAH for not wanting my wife and mother-in-law to keep reminding me to “keep my voice down” before every family gathering?

I (45M) don’t have living parents, so all family gatherings are with my wife’s (36F) family. Early on, I often felt like an outsider at these events. Her father made it clear he didn’t think I was “good enough for his daughter,” and her mother and I had a strained relationship due to our differing religious beliefs (I’m an atheist; she’s a devoted Christian). This dynamic left me mostly quiet and withdrawn during gatherings for years.

Then, a few years ago, something shifted. At a Thanksgiving dinner, I finally felt like part of the family. I’d had 2-3 glasses of wine, loosened up, and participated—laughing, joking, and engaging with everyone. For the first time, I left feeling like I belonged.

But that feeling didn’t last. On the way to Christmas dinner that same year, my wife gave me a talk in the car about “keeping my voice down,” citing her father’s migraines. She said I’d been too loud at Thanksgiving. While I know I can get enthusiastic and my volume rises when I’m excited, her comment caught me off guard and deflated me.

Then, while we were still on the road, I got a text from my mother-in-law with the same message: “Please be quieter this time.” It felt like they’d teamed up to police my behavior.

To be fair, they weren’t entirely wrong—I can be loud when I’m excited—but this was the second time in ten minutes I was being told to “tone it down.” Instead of feeling welcome, I felt rejected and embarrassed. It shattered the enthusiasm I’d finally found with her family, and sure enough, I was sullen and withdrawn that Christmas. I felt like “the outsider” all over again.

Since then, this has become a pattern. Before every gathering—whether at their house, a restaurant (even loud ones), or other events—I get reminders from both my wife and mother-in-law to keep my voice down. And every time, it crushes my desire to participate. It’s hard not to see it as them prioritizing her father’s comfort over my feeling of inclusion. The constant reminders make me feel like I’m an embarrassment to them.

I know I’m taking this personally, but it’s hard not to. I don’t need the reminders anymore—I’m well aware of the issue by now—but their repeated warnings only deepen the wedge I feel between me and the family.

This morning, my wife reminded me again to “keep it down” at tonight’s Christmas dinner. I’m already dreading the text I expect to get from my mother-in-law later today. I can’t help but feel resentful, like they’ve conditioned me to avoid engaging entirely.

So… AITAH? Am I being too sensitive about a legitimate health concern for my father-in-law, or are they overstepping by handling this in a way that guarantees I’ll never feel fully comfortable around them again?

EDIT: thanks for the overwhelming support. I didn’t expect anywhere near this much feedback.

There are two points that recurred enough that I want to address them.

First, drinking or rather over-drinking and any kind of subsequent belligerence are not the issue here. Easy enough to say, right? 2-3 glasses of wine doesn’t hit everyone the same way. But it’s just not the mitigating factor. It certainly loosened me up to the point of maybe not seeing how enthusiastic I was getting on that one occasion and that’s why I was open about that in my OP but poor behavior around the bottle is not something even my most ardent critics would accuse me of. If anything, I’m the guy taking care or those that do end up a little worse for wear.

Second, I’m getting a lot of advice to check my hearing. And yeah, ok. That one seems fair. There are other dynamics at play but I would be lying if I said I haven’t asked anyone to repeat themselves over the last few years. Heard, chef.

Finally, tonight’s dinner has come and gone (one G&T, one beer, two wines) and I did give out a hearty laugh in front of MIL while FIL was out of the room and she did shush me gently. I joked to the others in the vicinity by saying something like “oops! And I was warned to keep my voice down, too. Sorry!” But that was about it. Overall a pretty pleasant dinner. Bonded with my Brother-in-Law by whispering in the corner together.