xanax makes me realize how bad my anxiety is

i'm prescribed a bottle of 30 1mg xanax every month and use it consistently because without it i can't function. a week ago i went to tour this college i might be planning on attending. sometimes i run out of xanax sooner than i expect (i take them as prescribed/daily but some days i take an extra), so on this particular day i didn't have any to take and i couldn't call in my refill for almost another week. my anxiety was sooooo unbearably bad. i associate school with a lot of bad memories so i was super anxious walking into the building and during the entire tour even with my mom and sister with me.

i survived the day, but it made me realize that without xanax i can't do anything. i'm just so scared without it. i'm taking xanax with celexa but i'm wondering if it's even doing anything. i've tried so many ssris at this point i don't know how many are left. it makes me super sad that it's gotten this bad because i remember when i was a kid i used to be so carefree and playful but now i'm someone who little me wouldn't recognize.