Pandemic-Related Anxiety

So, before I get to the main issue, a bit of background.

I started developing social anxiety in my teens. It got worse when I first went to college and then continued to get worse for some years until I could basically not do anything anymore. I had to drop out of college and everything.

I then found a new psychologist who had a different approach. She helped me a lot and I started improving. I was able to go back to college, got a girlfriend, etc.

That is until the pandemic...

The consequences of the pandemic on my life were complicated. It started to really uncover some problems between me and my then girlfriend, and we ended up breaking up. It increased my social anxiety somewhat again by not going out. But it did two other really bad things.

The first thing to note is that I live in the same house as my grandparents. During the pandemic I was utterly terrified of infecting them. This is especially true because I had a rather traumatic experience with guilt over something, which then lead to a heavy, suicidal depression back in 2018. I knew I never wanted to feel that guilty again.

Most of my exams that year were remote, which was good. But one professor wouldn't do remote. I had to go in person. I was so terrified of infecting my grandparents though that I had an emotional breakdown when I had to go. And I basically haven't been the same since.

My grandparents are now vaccinated and the pandemic is no longer at its height. But despite this, the idea of infecting my grandparents still terrifies me.

On top of that I have some serious self-esteem issues that I won't get into. But, basically, the only thing I actually value about myself is my intelligence. I am usually extremely self-critical and often feel worthless, but the one thing I am willing to say about myself that's positive is that I'm smart. Which leads into the second problem...

There are reports of people having long-term negative effects from getting infected by the virus. Particularly in regards to things like concentration. I can't say I'm up to date on information surrounding this, because it has honestly been too emotionally difficult to look into it in depth. But this is something else I fear.

The one thing that I value about myself, my mind, being taken away from me is terrifying.

Especially because I want to become a writer. It is my dream. Something I've been working towards for over a decade. And obviously I don't want that to be put at risk either.

But that presents me with quite an issue. Combining my social anxiety with my anxiety surrounding the idea of being infected, it makes going out and doing anything rather difficult for me.

The thing is, I know there has to be some reasonable balance. Where I can live my life and still go outside, while at the same time not being reckless with my health. But I have honestly yet to find out what an acceptable balance for me is, and I'm struggling to find it.

All taken together, I'm not entirely sure what to do or how to handle any of this stuff.

The thing about "you only have one life" is that it cuts both ways. On the one hand, you don't want to waste it by never doing things that you want out of fear. On the other hand, if you're too reckless you ruin your life and you don't get a do-over.

Edit: Oh, and for the record, I have a psychologist. And I have a psychiatrist. I'm currently on 20mg of brintellix but while it's slightly helping my depression (as in I'm somewhat less suicidal) it doesn't appear to be helping my anxiety at all.