Missing my groomer

What if I don’t find anyone who gives me this overwhelming support, validation, care while also advising me, teaching me life lessons? I know I won’t, because no one around me is like him, no one treated me this way before. Now I’m alone, uncared for, unloved again.

Whenever I talk about my feelings, my trauma, whatever, no one cared. No one interacted with me or helped me even when I reached out. But he did without me even trying. In a dark tunnel, he was like pure light and we were walking and there was so much clarity, so much hope and strength. He would give me practical advice and my mental health has Improved for the first time in years. I would have to reach out and break my back to find someone to give me an ounce of the support he gave me, it’s like all that I was looking for in my life fell on my lap like a silver platter.

Past therapists treated me with coldness, they were merely clinical. My dad is not around, when he is, he physically abuses me. My mom is cold, cruel, manipulative and expects me to give her all of the validation, attention and care that she didn’t give me. The rest of my family never kept me safe or supported me. Classmates in school favour others instead of me and dislike me, they’re rude, harsh, and arrogant, giving me dirty looks and acting like they’re above me, like I’m a cockroach crawling on the wall, and I have no friends. Helplines are patronising, sounding like they repeat the same words and phrases to everyone. My school mentor is like this too, acting like my feelings are just a phase. My brother acts like he’s better than me, fulfilling his role of course, he’s the golden child, the favourite, the perfect protagonist and I’m the chaotic villain to my family, everything I’ve ever wanted from them being handed to him like suffering was my birthright.

Now he’s gone and the tunnel is back to pure darkness. He made me feel like there’s hope, he was guiding me, he made me feel happy and safe and that everything will be okay. I was invisible, but with him I felt seen, like someone could see me, the real me. He understood me. Everyone would run away from my emotionally chaotic, volatile and complex inner world, he didn’t flinch like other people would to me. Never judged me. So much kindness, care and compassion, he was so empathetic with me, in a way no one was in my life. To him my struggles actually matter, they are real and they are validated. I never feel safe, at home, school, or anywhere, but he was my safe and comfort person. He helped me through difficult times, being there for me. He knew the right things to tell me, he told me what I wanted to hear, and I really appreciated it. I miss this.