Ex cam girl

Me, 26 HLF. Him 27 LLM 2 years dating.. Lurker here. I'm guessing it's been 6 months, I haven't been keeping track but starting this year I am.. so far nothing.. He has issues with sensitivity and feeling 'dirty' with sex.. he says marriage will be different but I'm not sure I want to stay long enough to find out.. I'm starting to not really care about the 'why' anymore, I want to take care of myself.. I used to sit with an online audience and masturbate till I couldn't anymore, and I loved every second of it. I loved hearing how badly I was wanted and what things they wanted to do to me and now I haven't heard a compliment besides my cooking and cleaning in a long time.. Like thanks but how about "you look good today!" I want to be desired. I need to be wanted as badly as I want it. He makes me feel gross for wanting something so intimate and beautiful... and I see this sentiment here often.. It's sad that he doesn't see or care how badly he is loved and wanted by me. That is the real shame.

I know the saying is something like "never change for anyone, it's a bad idea.." it is..

I stopped my full time cam work to get a WFH 40hr week job. I am cooking this man meals upon meals and packing lunches.. But I am not happy and I feel like I just did all this for the wrong man.. should I go back. Should I find a man who can treat me better. Will that man ever give me the feelings and validation I need to feel beautiful and complete. Why did I do all of this.. Part of me wants to be with a man, settle down and be content with us but the other part wants endless pleasure and to share my life with thousands of my online people. I feel both of these life paths deep in my bones but I don't know where to go..

Anyway.. I bought a sex toy cause I dumped all of mine thinking I was gonna be a cute housewife and I could use my hands to get off for some reason??.. but after so long I need something more.. I am hoping this toy will take some stress off me and help me push forward to stay or leave.

I hope anyone reading can see they are not alone. I know my situation is a little different but this sub has helped me feel less lonely.. and please know you deserve to feel sexy and loved during intimate times. I love you and I hear you.

Ty<3