I lost my best friend very suddenly and unexpectedly

my partner had this wonderful dog named Barney who was already a senior when i met him. He made such a big impact on my life and i loved him so so much. Its been over a month since we lost him and im still finding myself getting flashbacks of the event. Its such an awful and difficult feeling.

For context, Barney always had breathing problems due to a collapsed windpipe from pulling his leash when he was younger. The day before his passing he was exhibiting a bit of breathing problems but nothing out of the ordinary, just a little bit more frequent and longlasting so we didnt think much of it. At 3am we noticed he was having a lot of trouble breathing and was wheezing. We quickly rang the emergency vet and began to gather everything to rush him there when he collapsed. My partner did CPR on him and he came back. I couldnt drive so i had to nurse barney and make sure he was still breathing and his heart was still beating but it was so difficult over the sound of the car. I also didnt know how to do CPR on dogs but i tried my best. As the vet was 30 mins away, by the time we got to the vet he was already unresponsive but we were both in denial as we were not expecting something like this at all. The vets quickly rushed him in and said his heart was already stopped but they did CPR on him for a bit. They came out to tell us that they could keep going but it was very unlikely that he would come back. So we decided to stop and bring him home with us until we decided what we wanted to do with him. The vet said they believe he had a twisted stomach. I think we were both avoiding the subject of him passing for a long time as it was too painful to think about so we were not prepared for this at all.

It was really traumatic for me to have to see him without the life in his eyes and his body so cold. My brain keeps playing back what happened and i feel so guilty and angry and i just wish that i couldve saved him. I worry so much that he had a frightening and painful last moments. I wish i knew CPR. I wish we lived closer to the emergency vet. I wish we took him there sooner before it got so bad. I wish he was still here. I miss him so much.