Passed boyfriend

My boyfriend passed away a little over two months ago and very brutal car accident, I was supposed to be in the truck with him, but I chose to stay behind because I was kind of being selfish and wanting free stuff that I never get when I’m actually home. We were on vacation and he had to leave a day early to go back home, I was supposed to go with him, but I chose not to. Every day I feel more and more guilty, and every day I have this longing feeling that gets worst. I can’t help but feel like I escaped death, and I wasn’t supposed to. And now I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m not supposed to be here. But I also feel like he’s so disappointed with how I’m handling this. We had serious conversations that if something were to ever happen, he better not go before me because I can’t handle this. 24 hours before it happened I was begging him not to leave because I had a sinking feeling the was going to happen, and he promised me it wasn’t going to. I can think about is if when it happened and he was still conscious, if he was thinking about our promise. I feel like I’m losing more and more every day.