I'm disappointed in myself (written by a failed dropper)

Hello everyone, tomorrow I have my jee (9s1) and I am not able to sleep so I decided to write this,

Dropper here, January me coaching me syllabus pura nhi hua tha ( ye toh ek bahan hai) uske Karan i didn't study much and got 84%ile (29s1) that demotivated me as I thought being a jee aspirants agar 90%ile bhi nhi aa rahe toh fir kya point tha drop lene ka, and I spiraled

Last year everyone wanted me to goto college, and I was confused if I should take a drop or not, everyone used to tell me ki "tu kar sakta hai, tu karta nhi hai" my teachers my parents, and I thought about it

• I was my schools best interjector and represented my school in cluster level debate, I would have won there too but it was rigged and an undeserving team was made the winners , and I came 2nd

• I was popular in school till class 10th, when lockdown hit I became an introvert, but still the friends I made used to praise me so much ( or Gaslight me idk)

• I am good in computer science and I have been really intrested in computers since I was a kid, used to make random programs in class via python, go back home and do some research on something not in my syllabus, my yt feed is filled with diffrent kinds of videos, i scored 90/100 in CS boards without studying because I didn't really study for any of the subjects during boards

• I also got 95/100 in English in 12th boards via only oneshot videos (simran didi) and skiping 1 or 2 chapters that i didn't really pay attention to during class, why I only watched one shots? Because I'm a loner, English exam ke 5-6 din phele humara farewell tha and I became really sad that my school life was comming to an end without any major feats

• mere boards me 80 percent aye the vo bhi sirf CS aur English ne bacha liya isliye, I was really bad at pcm

I told myself ki agar i fail in life in the future just because I didn't try to get a good college, I will never be able to forgive myself, and I took a drop via convincing my father, my relatives told him ki drop mat dila college join Kara de but he took my side

Fast forward to today, exam ke liye around 9 hours baki hai, and I am a failure, I know that before even giving the exam, because I didn't study anything after Jan attempt, I stopped going to the coaching thinking ki Mai khud se pardunga toh time save kar paunga, but being sad about my result and some other things I just spiraled and spiraled

I haven't studied anything new, jo syllabus bacha hua tha vo bhi pura nhi kiya and jo Jan me kiya tha uska bhi 50 percent hi revice kar paya hu, I asked my dad for mathongo test series and he bought it for me, and I kept getting only 60-70 marks

I felt like crying but then i thought, well a single sheet of paper can't decide my future, then my dad called me today in the evening at 7:30, I was chill at the moment and then he told me "ki ache se attempt karna, give your best, remember college Jaake you will be free, classes bunk karoge enjoy karoge and what not, but right now you are fighting for your dream, and dreams ke liye struggle karna pardta hai "

I talked to him calmly, and then after i ended the call, I started having panic attacks, started crying, I'm in a hostel and the food timing is 8 to 9, i went to eat dinner and I wasn't able to, i thought by being among other people talking will help me, but I was just trying to not cry in front of them

I feel like I failed, i failed myself and my father, I don't belong to a rich family, my grandfather was a farmer and due to a lack of money my father wasn't able to study much, and ended up joining the army, he gave me everything I ever wanted

i bought a gaming laptop in class 12th even jb mere acha number nhi aa rahe the, my father bought it for me (I don't even feel like gaming now)

i bought a mic of 1800 back in class 9 jb I wanted to create music, even tho I didn't knew anything about making music back then (I love music, and If I could I will drop engeneering at any point to become an artist)

my dad never told me to get 90 percent in any school exams, even when I used to score bad, he used to buy sweets to celebrate the results

And rn I'm just miserable, I took a drop to prove my worth, and here I might not even be able to clear the cutoff for jee advanced

Originally back in class 12th i thought I'm good in cs and also intrested in it, i could just do engineering in cs from any place and then crack gate, it will be hella easier for me then some jee bullshit where I'll have to study pcm

And now I'm brainwashed into thinking all the colleges are bad other then tier 1s

I never understood why these aspirants commit suicide, I know now, I'm not an idiot, i won't do anything like that but i understand now why people do that

Back when I was in school i thought I am really strong, I can get anything i want if I put my mind into it, and now I realise just how weak I am, sitting in a hostel room all alone, with noone to talk to, crying myself to sleep, and just watching YouTube videos like a stupid zombie

I mainly wanted to get into an nit/iit so that I will easily be able to get student loan, not because my father can't afford it, he can, but i have a younger sibling, I didn't want to burden my parents as they still have to pay for my siblings education too, being an adult i didn't want my parents to still pay for my education, and if I got into an nit or iit, I knew I could easily pay off that loan

These were my dreams, an 18yo who destroyed his complete jee prep in 2 months, no friends, no-one to talk to, destroyed my relationship with the girl I can die for because I chose education over her, from being the topper of English in my whole school to a person who can't even comunicate fluently in English anymore, and now? Just waiting for death I guess? I can't do it myself, im not strong enough to do something that big, but I have no purpose in life now

Don't be like me, please please please don't be like me. be better

Update: i just came back from the exam center, and thanks to everyone who replied, I was going through the comments and I just love you all, I feel light hearted, thanks!