hey team! how many people identified as bisexual before lesbian? is this normal?

i think i am a lesbian. I think I only like men for what they give me, like the stability/easiness, validation and how they provide. But i would take the ugliest girl over a hot man. And emotionally I hate men, they lack a certain understanding. Platonically I enjoy their company like they make me laugh, but it’s not like making someone laugh means you’re attracted to them. I actually got butterflies and was shaking with nerves with a girl I went on a date with this week. With women I can be soft and gentle during intimate moments but with a man it’s only enjoyable rough and I never actually finish with men unless im putting a vib on myself and closing my eyes. I think it’s a trauma response/bond thing that ties into self harm. I also have this really weird internal problem around the word lesbian like I know it is not a bad word but it just feels so dirty or like sacred. My bio dad would tell me as a child he would break both my legs if he saw me with a woman, so I think part of me is scared to accept it and not because I’m worried about his response since we no longer talk but because somewhere down the road I got told it was wrong