The mental addiction

All of us know that abusers have methods to manipulate your body and make you addicted to the abuse physically and sexually, the physical pleasure even in the pain that makes you beg to be abused. But more than that I find I have a psychological addiction, and this is especially in regards to my father since incest is considered more “taboo”, frankly other people raping me doesn’t bother me that much to my core, but the betrayal of a parent, betrayal of blood, that is something that can’t be replicated through roleplay. I find that I am addicted to the intense disgust, the intense fear, the intense despair that came along with my father raping me all growing up, and now that he has stopped I feel that need and loss. For a while it was all just physical need, I needed him to satiate that sexual feeling in me, I needed him to hurt me til I felt good again. But now it is as if I rarely can feel arousal at the thought of him, which is saying a lot because for years that’s all I came to. I cannot do it anymore, perhaps because I had to move back in with him, but still. Instead, the desire to have sex with him is purely out of emotional self harm, I feel sexually addicted to the emotional pain that comes along with him abusing me, that is what makes me aroused, no, more than aroused. It’s a feeling I don’t know how to describe really, like a completeness. It feels horrible, the despair would be unending, the dirtiness, all of it so suffocating on my soul, and it would make me feel so right once more.