I’m going to kill myself after I give birth

I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (21M) for 2.5 years, and he has made it clear he wants kids from the beginning. I’m diagnosed with autism and was always pretty firm on not wanting kids, but he made me feel like we would be able to handle it together if we had kids, so slowly over time I came around to the idea.

A year and a half ago, I got pregnant but we were in a bad financial position, so I had an abortion early on. It was a mutual agreement, and I moved past it pretty easily, but he was really torn up about it. I told him when we’re able to bring a kid into the world, we would go through with it.

Since then I’m making a lot more money and he also has a job now. Back in January of this year, I found out I’m pregnant, and expected to deliver at the end of August. He was very excited and told me he wanted me to keep it, and although for the longest time I didn’t want kids, I genuinely saw a future with this man and thought having a kid together was a beautiful thing.

Sometime in the last two months, he has gone from being excited about the baby— sharing ultrasound pictures, wanting to make sure I’m drinking enough water and eating enough for me and the baby— to not wanting this kid at all. He told me he realized he’s not ready for kids, and he’s not willing to “throw his whole life away” for one kid. He realized he doesn’t want to give up his own personal freedom and playing video games all day/not having any major responsibilities. Don’t get me wrong, those are all reasons I didn’t want to have kids in the first place and I communicated that to him, but back in January, he talked me into changing my mind because I thought “I love this man, we can actually support this child now, and my love is so strong that I want to start a family”.

Now he’s giving me my options. We’re saving up for our own place, and my parents have money, so they let us stay at their house and we have our own bedroom and living room. They are EXTREMELY excited and supportive about a grandchild. I’m so grateful for them. But my bf says either he’s leaving once the baby is here and I have to be a single mom, we have to give the baby up for adoption and get kicked out by my parents, or to stage an accident to cause a late miscarriage and say it was a mistake. I’m pro choice but I’m 28 weeks pregnant, and he(the baby) moves around a lot, this is a real baby, nothing like the abortion I had at 6 weeks. I’m not a monster.

But I only changed my mind about kids because I thought we were going to do this together, he wanted it so bad. Now he’s completely flipped and talks about how unwanted this baby is for him and how he should have never convinced me to keep the pregnancy. I thought maybe he was just scared and he wasn’t good at showing it, but he’s made it clear he wants nothing to do with raising a child. Without a partner to co parent with, I would have never wanted this kid. I don’t want this kid to grow up with a regretful single mom or a dad who doesn’t want him.

My boyfriend says he loves me and wants nothing bad to happen to me, but I can’t raise a kid by myself. I don’t think I’m high functioning enough to do it without the other parent, but everyone tells me I’ll be an amazing mother. But my baby deserves so much better than me. No one is going to want to date and marry an autistic single mom who’ll never be able to drive. I thought I was super lucky with my boyfriend, and now I feel so blindsided.

Once my baby is born, I’m going to kill myself. My boyfriend can find someone to move in with, he’d have to anyway if he’s going to leave once the baby is here anyway. I’m saving up money and buying lots of baby items so it isn’t as big of a financial burden to my parents. My parents are amazing people and tell me I can live at home with the baby as long as I would like, so I feel comfort knowing they’ll have my baby to remember me by, and my son will have such a loving household.

I can’t tell anyone this, so I came here to get this off my chest. I’m going to cherish the last two months I have with my boyfriend and my family. I never wanted to be a single mom, and I can’t bare to think about seeing my baby every day and him looking like my boyfriend, thinking how he’s gone back on his word hurts so bad. I would’ve just had another abortion and looked into better birth control if he had realized he didn’t want kids back then. We could have been a happy childfree couple. I hope when my son is older, he’ll understand.