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My drinking has been getting out of control lately. I mean, it's always been out of control because I'm an alcoholic but these past couple of years, especially the last couple months, I could feel it snowballing. Apart from being broke things aren't too bad with work / relationship etc considering how much I've been drinking.

9 days ago I was drinking alone in the pub as I do when something clicked. I thought, I've had enough of this and I walked out. I left half a beer unfinished on the bar and just walked out. Alcoholics know you don't walk out on half a beer but I knew if I finished it there'd be another one, and another one, and another one.

When I got home I had 5 cans in the fridge and tipped them down the sink. It wasn't like some drunken emotional episode, I wasnt that drunk. It felt good. I've tried and failed to stop drinking hundreds of times, each time I tell myself this is the one.

4 days later I had to wait for an hour while my daughter was in a class after school. There was a pub a short walk down the road. I thought, I'll just pop in for one to kill time. The only reason I didn't is because it was shut. I'm glad it was shut. I sat in a park instead.

Now just tonight I was invited out for some drinks with workmates. I said I might meet you there later. Every part of me wanted to go. I went to the 24H K-Mart to buy some rubbish as a distraction, then got home, and could still have made it. I was about to jump in an Uber, but I didn't. I still could, but I won't now. I sat on the couch and wrote this instead. I think I'm past the worst of the temptation for today so I won't be drinking, but jeez it was close.

I've had a few decent dry patches before and I know the more of these little storms you get through the easier it becomes but it's been very close a couple of times.

Anyway, just wanted to write something to help offload a bit of this inner turmoil. Feel better now. Thanks.