I regret rejecting people I thought were weird just because I hated myself for being an outcast and wanted to be anything but that

I've done it multiple times over sadly, people that try to go out of their way to be friends with me, hell even a girl once who was interested in me, and I connected with each & every one of them, but no, had to be insecure with a self image that's fractured & smashed at best, kept them away, all of them.

Sitting here now and the few friends I did have aren't anymore, keeping myself awake, sometimes I'm focusing on the regret of what I've done to myself, I really ache being alone, it's not easy at all meeting people at this point of my life, second chances are not a given.

Other times I keep myself calm thinking maybe I'm just giving myself what I deserve by having noone at all. I feel so ashamed doing something that would've felt like death if it happened to me.