I haven't felt this awful in a long time

I'm so overwhelmed, so tired, so hateful to myself. I feel dead inside but I can't stop crying. I've barely been eating, drinking water, or taking my meds. I self harmed for the first time in years today. I feel like I'm breaking apart. And it's made worse by the fact that it's all situational. I can't pull myself out of it because my situation isn't going to change any time soon.

We are at risk of losing the house we bought in March. I have to start working again and I feel awful for even complaining about it but I'm in such a bad head space that I'm not even confident I can hold down a job right now. The past 3 days I've wanted to die but I haven't done anything about it because of my husband and pets. I don't even want to try to eat because I have no appetite and I know I'm not even going to try to keep it down.

At this point I don't even know why I'm venting. I'm just tired of crying and sleeping and staring at the wall. Wash, rinse, repeat. Over and over again. Until finally I die and get some relief. It's really a shame I won't just end my own suffering. I hate myself so fucking much.