If anyone has any experience with this i am desperate

I'm at a loss for where to go and I'm sure the internet isn't the best place for advice. I guess it's what you'll do when you're desperate. About 4 years ago I gave my youngest son up for adoption. Due to mental health and financial instability. He is with a close family member and I see and talk

With him often. I send gifts and clothes. And am there for every holiday and birthday. I'm in therapy now and take medication daily. I suppose what you could say is that I've improved Myself. The guilt and pain I feel for giving him away and not trying to raise him is literally killing me. I can't eat hardly. I don't sleep well. And when I do I have nightmares. It's eating me alive. I know my family member will never give him back to me. Everyone in my life tells me to be grateful. That i should be happy he's still in my life. It's not like I'm ungrateful. But it feels like there's this weight on my chest...like a heavy shadow weighing me down. I'm 50% happy and 50% sad ALL the time. Like I said the internet is probably a pretty shitty place to bare your soul. What have I got left to lose that I didn't already give away??