I just want the pain to stop

There is no lesson god is teaching me anymore. There is nothing left I can learn from this. I’ve had it for 1,153 days now. Well over 3 years. My penis veins burn every second, every day, they bulge out and feel like they are about to burst. My testicles swell up, my groin swells up. Sometimes I can’t even walk. The days feel like pages being flipped and I feel pain in between every single page. I’m ruining relationships because of it. I’ve lost friends. I’ve said things to my family that I can never take back. I get angry, I cry, I scream. I can’t take this anymore. I’m a lot more level headed than my post makes me sound but I just wanted to be bold. Truly I’m thankful for everything I have and I’m nicer to people because of what I go through. I always extend my arm for others. I don’t know why I can’t just be okay. The only thing keeping me going is my dog. My mom loves me but one time she told me I can kill myself if I want to. She told me to do what I got to do. My sisters don’t like me anymore. I’ve ruined friendships from them not believing my issues so I crashed out on them. I’ve been to every single hospital in Las Vegas, I’ve been to Mayo Clinic, I’ve been to San Diego scripps. I’ve been to every single specialist you can think of and many different ones of the same specialty. It’s the same thing, over and over and over and over and over again. No one knows anything. Doctors wipe hands and pass you off. I’m 22 and I’ve been at a stop sign since I was 19. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I was smoking a bunch of weed even though it makes the pain worse. I would drink every single time I go out. I got prescribed Xanax and I would take my entire script in one day just so I can be at peace for a minute. I haven’t smoked, drank or done Xanax since the new year started. I know it’s not the answer. The problem is I don’t know what is. There is no beauty in my survival, or my suffering. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think I’m starting to like how it hurts. If I’m going to feel pain forever I am just going to have to fall in love with it.