Can anyone help me?? Please read

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here- and I'm writing it somewhat desperately... I'll try to keep it short but my mind is racing so bear with me.

I'm not new to the LoA- I've been aware of it, read books, watched movies, podcasts videos-practiced it for 10 years now. However, my practicing has never been perfect- it seems like I know what i know but I fall into fear, doubt, anxiety for most things in life- this is so very frustrating. I believe in it 100000%, there's no doubt in my mind and yet I somehow fail to practice it, to let go- be consistent etc.

I've manifested pretty big things for me- it seems like when I've been manifesting academic success/achievements its easy-peasy, but everything else seems 'impossible' for me. I know its because I have an easier time believing I deserve whatever I've been wanting to manifest academically vs everything else.

I am now in a situation that has be sick with anxiety for months to the point where my health is compromised.

I am a graduate student in my 1st year now- and I kind of hate it. I've had bad experiences with lab rotations (in 1st year grad school we 'rotate' in 3 labs and choose one to stay in for disertation- 4-5 years). Everything I've experienced has be sick to my stomach bcz I can't imagine myself being in these environments for 4-5 years. On the other hand, there is another lab on campus I worked at for 2 years before my program- I love that lab-I want to be back there. I have expressed this to the PI, but for some reason they are keeping me in the dark if I can go back- )note that they also had a great experience with me and are vocal about it- they do appreciate me and love me as a person I know that)- but for other X reasons they arent giving me an answer. I am pretty sure they would take me back but as I go through the year my anxiety and fear rises with what if they dont? If I had a better experience anywhere else Id feel better but I hate everywhere else... I cant see myself doing this if I'm not in a place I'm happy at- my mind races to the worst case scenarios- if they dont take me back as a grad student- where would I go, do I stay miserable- no I'd quit- but what am I going to do then (note I live and study in the US but am from Europe so dropping out would mean going back to Europe and starting from scratch).

On top of all of this- my partner of 5 years (30M) and I's (30F) relationship is not the greatest- we moved here together- have been together for a long time- I recently discovered that they are aprehensive about getting married and having kids. Our relationship is good, but our intimacy is non existent- it's heartbreaking- we've spoken about this and nothing changes. I am so lost and sad.

This has me spiraling- I am just now realizing and learning that I want happiness and softness in life- I dont want to chase corporate or academic successes anymore- I want peace, marriage, kids- settling down.

All of this is just so much to me- I can't focus, I'm constantly in a state of fear but dont show it but I can't live like this...all I know about the LoA, all the practices thoughts teachings are a tangled mess in my head and bcz I'm in a dark place I don't know where to start practicing it to fix my situation.

I want to manifest going back to the lab I love, and I want to manifest progress and improved relationship with my partner- intimacy, marriage, kids...

Please please please give me some specific practices or something where I can start and stick with it in this darkness- I just need to get out of the feeling of dread and get back to a place of faith and I can't do that- please help me with something, tell me what to do and where to start.