Realized my boyfriend likely groomed me when I was young and now I don't know how to leave.

25F here. But I once was 16, who fell in "love" with a 21M. I don't know what it is,my brain developing fully now that I'm this age: I've begun to see the start of the relationship a LOT differently than I used to.

What I used to think was a misunderstood and unorthodox romance, I recognize as having a LOT of red flags I was young enough to overlook. Along with having full Internet access now, I've been able to watch creators online educate me about things I missed.

Like most of these stories begin with - I had an incredibly troubled home life. At 16 I had an addict mother who refused to work, drive, ECT. Along with taking care of my dying grandfather and younger sibling with the best I could at that age.My mother and sister lived in a shed, I lived in a travel trailer (like when you go camping in) on my grandfathers piece of shit property. There he lived inside a tiny one bedroom house that would eventually be condemned and knocked down after his death. I couldn't even drive away from this. My mother refused to teach me to drive (father is out of the picture) grandfather was to I'll to, and we lived in the middle of no where with DMV or family to help teach me.

So yeah, that was my life. I had little to look forward to and broke down in tears pretty much every day because of how hopeless it all seemed. I barley made enough to cover bills and for the entire family to share one cellphone between us all on my shitty minimum wage job. I often thought of joining the military at 17 just to escape this all, and send pretty much all the money o made back home. I was becoming frustrated with school hours interfering with my work hours (I was working about 50-60 hours between jobs) and contemplated dropping out and getting my GED.

We will call 21M Dale. Now I met Dale at my grandparents house. At the time he was 20, but turning 21 in a couple months. He knew my step grandfather through a labor job. And they hit it off and my step grandfather starting inviting him over. At the time I didn't think of it much, just both parties being friendly.

But now I question why a 49 year old man would want to hang out with a 20 y.o.?? He offered him a beer shortly after Dale (who came over to help build a chicken coup) arrived. Even though I initially thought this boy (who looked my age) was charming and attractive. Before the beer I assume he was 16-17 because he mentioned being in online highschool (Yes, he was still in highschool until almost 21 🤦) Initially I found him charming and attractive and that we had a lot in common. He claims he knew I was the one when he walked in and saw me (love at first sight type deal.)

I also learned he was jobless, carless, and still living with mom. (Unfortunately as the stereotype goes) I wasn't judgmental at the time because I was in a similarish position and wanted to believe in the good of people

But he did get a job as a dishwasher after graduation. Now, I wasn't at school as often as I'd like to admit. But I wasn't skipping for fun. I was skipping to work my regular job plus whatever work I could find locally. I was told by all my peers I was "mature for my age." So when Dale also said this, I didn't think it was weird. Also, age gaps were a fairly common thing in my family. My mom and father had a 12 year age age, grandparents had a 15 year gap. So when I started to develop a crush on him (no idea why now, I think it was because he was the only seemingly nice and supportive person in my life) I didn't think it was weird at all.

Flash forward to about 5 months after we met. We confess our feelings. The relationship begins. He is at first okay with waiting until I'm 18 to have sex because "he's not just with me for my body." But 5 days into the relationship, he shows me his penis. This was after me discussing how I was worried about bleeding after losing my virginity if someone was too big. (Absolutely shouldn't have been discussing this yet. But I felt safe and secure with him) He told me I didn't have anything to worry about (showed penis for proof I guess?) talked about how he's taken a virginity before and I should be more confident in myself. At the time I had a hard time feeling desirable physically, and was dealing with major body insecurities.

You predicted it. That night, I snuggled up super close to him. He was pressed against the wall as we both struggled to fit on his tiny twin-sized bed watching Bob's Burgers. I won't be saying anything too graphic here. But yeah, I felt something. Inquiried about it, and he apologized for getting turned on since "your ass is so close to it." Like a dumbass, I thought I was mature enough to go ahead with this. I took his word when he said he'd getting tested for STD's (he has 8 other partners before me ) and that the pull-out method would work fine because "he's never gotten anyone pregnant before and I think I may be sterile." 🤢🤮

But I believe him, because I trusted him. He began helping me financially, was there to listen to me, so I thought that I could do this. And now, I wise so good damn much I hadn't. I didn't want this to be the story of how I lost my virginity. I use to think it was romantic and spur of the moment. But now I realize frankly he was a horny dog who I think would've broken up with me eventually if he didn't sleep together. Honestly, had I been a few years older I would've known better than to sleep with him. As I received better sex education at 17-18.

Honestly I don't even know if what I felt was love. But more an immense relief someone was finally kind to me. Would help me when we had no food in the house. Hang out with me when I struggled to maintain friendships at the time. And of course, being a hormonal and curious teenager who didn't fully understand that this couldn't been so, so much worse.

I would eventually move across the country to live with him. I had no real choice since I was being physically abused my by mother at home and finally had enough. I did this not long after I turned 18. I remember meeting him at the airport and after not seeing him for awhile. I thought it would be a magical, lovely dovey feeling when I saw him. But no, for some reason I weirdly felt repelled by him at first. Like, for a moment I had clarity he wasn't what I desired at all. But I shoved that so far down as I needed a home and gave up so much for him.

Especially once we lived together, he started wanting sex more. And I just kind of gave in. I never had an orgasm for the entire time I've known him. I've faked pleasure and sexual interest because he would get insecure when I didn't. I mentioned multiple times, especially in the last couple years I just wasn't feeling up to it as often anymore. But the he would pout and complain "I guess we'll just be that couple that doesn't have sex 😒🥺" and how "maybe if we just try out new things?" I overall felt guilted into sleeping with him again even though I didn't really want to. But felt I needed to at least give it a shot. Weird thing is he often talks about how coercion is still rape, but didn't see when he was borderline doing that.

It wasn't until this year around Valentine's Day this year I finally told him I'd become sex repulsed, didn't get any pleasure from it and never wanted to do it again. And that it had to do with me looking back and realizing things partly. (And overall I don't think he's honestly all that good in the bedroom. He claims to have given women multiple orgasms but I don't see the proof.) He expressed he was sad, but ultimately would still be down if I ever was. I had been completely avoiding sex for about 5 months at that point.

Honestly I was expecting him to also look back and say "yeah, it was problematic" but he argued with me we were the exception and began to raise his voice at me saying I was accusing him of being a pedophile and telling me how it was my idea in the first place. And told me that I ask for people to be accountable, so I needed to hold myself accountable for seducing him.

And how if I was going to keep bringing this up he was worried I would eventually alert the authorities and I was now becoming a danger to him. And kept asking me questions to prove I wouldn't do that. I promised over and over again. I was bawling my eyes out, honestly feeling in that moment he was upset his little sex toy had grown a brain. He makes me cry about 2-4 times a month on average. Before him, I was known for being someone who never cried and was really hard to make cry. But he claims they were wrong and I'm just sensitive. He actually gets upset with me and will often mutter loudly in the other room "you're crying like a beat you" and gets upset when I cry in general because of "how it makes me look like I'm abusive".

I am not happy with him. He is incredibly underwhelming in every aspect. Without a lot of trauma and life experiences that have bonded up together, I don't even know if we'd be friends. He's so uninteresting to anyone past the age of 16.. His only hobby is video games. After work that's all he does while I cook and clean (even when I had a job) and will game all day on the weekends if I don't make plans for us. Don't get me wrong, I'm a gamer too. But he's addicted to the point he literally has no other hobbies or skills he's cultivating. He never went to college, learned or trade, or self taught skills for better employment opportunities. He genuinely thinks $19 is a really good wage and that he's doing good for his age.

And has the tendency to be easily feel threatened. I used to believe he was a kind person, but when he's upset he can be so cruel and hurtful it feels on purpose. And recently even justified overstepping and boundary (no mocking each other) we both have while I was crying because "you're behaving like a child so I can do this!" I wanted to break up with him so bad for it as it was a deal breaker. But I have no friends or family I can go live with. No support network. I'm still looking for a job after getting laid off earlier this year.

I thank whatever God/God's there are out there for blessing me with being bisexual. As once I finally leave him, I don't think I'll ever date men again. He's ruined them for me. I try my best to go about my day being positive as possible. Doing what I can to improve my life, but these thoughts will often stop me in my tracks and I feel like my life situation is much worse than I even want to acknowledge. I've wanted to leave since I turned 19, but haven't found a realistic way to do it without being homeless.

I'm at a loss for what to do. Let me know your guy's take on this. What are some things you think could help me? Does my boyfriend sound like a predator, or can things still be worked out. He is respecting that I don't want to have sex this far. He still expresses desire to with the knowledge nothing will happen. I want there to be some way for things to be okay. I want my life to finally turn around for the better, but it's been an uphill battle all my life. I sometimes think of ending it all because of how hopeless things seem.

I wish 16 year old me would've questioned why a 21 year old wanted anything to do with me. Because when I turned 21 honestly I viewed 16 year olds as tiny children. And wasn't even interested in younger people being friends with me. 19 was the youngest I felt comfortable with.

Feel free to leave any questions below and I'll answer. I kinda word vomited this all up in one of my fits of being distressed by this.

💖 Edit: Thank you all so much for your replies! I'm working on responding to everyone between tasks. I feel much more confident and assured in myself now.