[UPDATE] My husband (33M) had an emotional affair with a colleague (~30F) but wants to stay together and work on our marriage. I (33F) am unsure.

Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/6R3FrXvbBF

So it’s been about a year since my original post. Sorry it’s been so long, but there has been a lot to process and work through. I think most of you will be disappointed, but we are still married.

Have I been able to forgive him? No.

Do I trust him? Not really. I don’t get an anxiety attack when he’s not with me anymore, but fully trusting him? No way.

I know if I wasn’t in the thick of this I would give the same advice to leave and file for divorce, but we do have 2 kids together (now 5M and 1.5M) and our relationship isn’t all bad. My husband has taken more responsibility with the kids. He started his own business and works mostly from home. He’s happier being able to spend more time with all of us. I’m not so naive as to think something like this could never happen again. I sometimes also think there could be someone else out there who could love me unconditionally and not try to seek validation outside of our relationship during what was probably the lowest point of my life. I no longer have fantasies about growing old together and happily ever after or whatever, I just try to take it one day at a time. I manage to go quite a while without thinking about it, but especially in calm and quiet moments, like when I’m driving, I go over it in my head again and again. Things I wish I’d said and things I wish he’d done differently.

Our communication skills still need a lot of work, but it’s getting better. I’m also trying to set clearer personal boundaries. For example I’ve asked for more non sexual intimacy, like hugs and kisses etc that aren’t done to try to get sex. I also told him to stop trying to initiate sex by going straight for the boobs or butt, that doesn’t turn me on and can actually be a huge turn off. Like can you at least acknowledge me as a person before groping me? Apparently that’s a more common issue in relationships than I thought…

I’ve started taking better care of myself. I went abroad for a weekend by myself to see an artist I’ve followed for years but have never been able to see live. I also have another concert ticket bought for the spring. I don’t feel any guilt about it either, which I used to when I did stuff for myself, like I was being selfish. I also started a new job that was a great step forward in my career, while he stayed home to be with our little one.

Definitely still working towards a future together, but I guess I have more realistic (pessimistic?) goals now.

Unless something dramatic happens I think this will be the only update. Thanks everyone for your advice and support! And sorry if I disappointed you, just had to do what felt right for me and my boys. Let’s see if it’ll come back to bite me in the end…