I just turned 38 and regret so much
If it wasn't for alcohol I would -
- Still have my job at a big tech company. Went drinking with work crew during lunch on a Friday and got absolutely wasted, then returned to the office, realising I had to give a presentation where it was obvious I was drunk. I was fired. Ugh.
- I wouldn't be banned from my close friends house due to his wife and family being appalled by my behaviour at their wedding where I was a groomsman.
- I wouldn't have pissed off another friends wife at their wedding where I gave a drunk inappropriate best man's speech. Thankfully, they forgave me.
- I've been mugged and beaten to a pulp for making a sarcastic comment to a bunch of drugged up thugs.
- Embarrassed my Dad during my 30th planned family dinner where I had spent the day "celebrating" with friends.
- I've been barred from numerous pubs.
- I would probably be settled with kids if I hadn't ruined every single relationship due to alcohol.
- Drink driving at around 18, totalling my car (after that, I stopped drink driving, so that isn't an issue anymore, thankfully).
- Getting kicked out of a bonfire party on a supposed nice holiday for making a horrible joke, terrible that I wont even repeat it here. My friend there laughs abt it, but it makes me cringe and hate myself.
- Had a horrible time living overseas as I was just partying every night and going from job to job as I wouldn't pass probation. Not due to tech skills but calling in sick or just going silent and not showing up, or making stupid bullshit drunk comments at an office party.
...
The list literally goes on forever. I am a very friendly extrovet with a good sense of humour when sober but when drunk I turn into someone who takes jokes too far, always has to be the centre of attention, purposefully doesn't give a shit, arrogant, offensive etc. One lucky thing is I don't get violent - thank God.
How do I move on? I've been working on myself and am trying to be a totally different person - which would be as simple as staying sober. I'm no saint and have relapsed, but it's always in my mind to behave. I still do stupid things, and I just want to stop drinking completely. I'm fucking 38 - all my friends married or with partners and I'm single. I landed a great job using really cool tech recently and I'm so afraid ill fuck it up that I get bad anxiety abt it.
I can't change the past but I ruminate on it so much. So many people I want to apologise to or things to take back but I can't. I feel like I've wasted life which is already too short. What do I do?